We all know that fights happen in every relationship. In fact, just the other day, Clay and I found ourselves in a heated discussion about where to go for dinner. It seemed like such a trivial thing, but beneath the surface, there was something more significant at play—unspoken feelings and unmet needs that had nothing to do with dinner plans.
It’s easy to feel like conflict is a sign that something is wrong or that you and your partner are incompatible. But we’ve learned, both in our personal experience and through working with countless couples, that conflict is actually a sign that your relationship needs growth and understanding. It’s not the fight itself that’s important; it’s how you respond to it and what you can learn from it
Research shows that both partners in a relationship are emotionally available only about 9% of the time. This leaves 91% of our interactions ripe for miscommunication and misunderstandings. So, when it feels like you’re fighting about nothing—whether it’s about chores, dinner, or who left the lights on—it’s often not about the surface issue at all.
For example, when there’s a lack of intimacy in a relationship, it can lead to arguments that seem unrelated. But underneath that fight might be feelings of disconnection or a belief that you’re not on the same team.
It’s not about the fight; it’s about the deeper, unmet needs that the fight is bringing to the surface.
Turning Conflict Into Connection
So, how do we turn these inevitable conflicts into opportunities for growth and deeper connection? Here are a few things we’ve learned along the way:
- Look Beyond the Surface: When you’re in the middle of a disagreement, try to look beyond the immediate issue. What’s the deeper need or dream that’s not being fulfilled? Is there an underlying fear or desire that hasn’t been expressed?
- Communicate, Don’t Just Fight: Instead of letting the argument spiral into negativity, use it as a starting point for a deeper conversation. Share your feelings and listen to your partner’s perspective. This can lead to a better understanding of each other’s needs and dreams.
- Embrace the Differences: Remember that it’s okay to be different. In fact, 69% of conflicts in a relationship are about differences that can’t be resolved. The goal isn’t to win the argument or change your partner’s mind; it’s to understand and accept each other despite those differences.
- Find Solidarity: Acts of solidarity, like helping out with chores or being there for each other in small ways, can make a big difference. It’s not about the task itself but about showing that you’re a team and that you’re in this together.
- Use Conflict as a Tool for Growth: Every conflict is a reminder that a relationship is about two people working together to understand and love each other. Instead of seeing fights as something to avoid, view them as opportunities to grow closer and strengthen your connection.
In our own relationship, we’ve found that the more we embrace conflict as a natural part of being together, the more we learn about each other and deepen our bond. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it.
So next time you find yourself in a seemingly meaningless fight, take a step back and ask yourself what’s really going on beneath the surface. Use it as a chance to learn, grow, and reconnect with your partner.
We’re here to remind you that every relationship has its ups and downs, but with the right perspective, those downs can lead to even greater highs.